THE COW WARS
by Raimi
Summary: After the defeat of the prime evils, the cows of the secret cow level invade earth and try to take it over!
1. IT BEGINS

THE COW WARS  
"When it comes to cows, ladies and gentlemen, it's them or us, right? If a cow could eat you, it would."  
-Greg Proops  
  
CHAPTER ONE: IT BEGINS  
Elwood the necromancer battled the evil minions of Tristram, summoning his blood golem to do his work for him. Paired with an Iron Maiden spell, he was unstoppable. (There's a hint there for the game, you know.) The red creature slashed at the monsters that had transformed the once peaceful town of Tristram into what it was now: a burning heap of rubble, all its inhabitants dead or transformed, save for one.   
The aforementioned clutched to the bars of his cage that was suspended several feet above the ground, hearing the satisfying splat of the creature corpses as they hit the dead ground. He sat up, trying to see what might be his salvation.  
Elwood set his crossbow and pulled the trigger, sending a bolt at a tremendous speed into the forehead of the undead Griswold, the ex-blacksmith. The possessed form crashed to the ground.   
The blood golem following him, Elwood battled along the perimeter of the town, slowly working his way in where he had known Deckard Cain would be. Crossbow bolts flew and creatures died, Elwood and the golem leaving a trail of corpses in their wake.   
The golem threw a hard punch into the face of a carver priest, a small, weak, creature that could revive its friends. The priest was blown to the floor in a burst of blood. Elwood went to the fallen creature to relieve it of its belongings when he saw the body of a small boy several feet away.   
Elwood knelt down to the boy, and saw that the child had legs that were much to small to be human. The legs looked like that of a pig, but the rest looked like a regular human child. He glanced at the pig-legged boy's shirt and saw a large, blue nametag that read:  
Greetings. My Name Is:  
WIRT   
I Like:  
MONEY  
I Don't Like:  
DELTA BURKE  
Elwood shook his head, angry that the forces of hell could take the lives of children. He was about to leave the stiff when he saw a bright glitter in the deformed leg of the youth. It was the unmistakable glitter of gold. Elwood lightly tugged on the leg, simultaneously summoning a couple of skeletal mages to watch his back.   
The leg easily popped off, spilling gold coins from the spot where the limb had been. Elwood pocketed the leg and the gold, and then headed for Cain.  
  
The four forms approached Deckard Cain's cage, one human, the others something else. He hit the bars of the cage, screaming "OVER HERE! HEY! I'M RIGHT HERE!"  
The figures got closer, extinguishing the waves of monsters that came at them. The human shot a crossbow bolt into the rope that held Cain's cage above the ground, and the wooden prison fell to the ground, prompting a loud "OOF" from Deckard.   
"Thank you, my friends."  
The necromancer just nodded and said, "Go. Hey, has anyone ever told you you sound like--"  
"YES. I already know I sound like Sean Connery."  
"Oh, ok then. Go."  
Cain did as he was told.   
Elwood and his minions battled their way to an open spot in a clearing away from the fires of the town. Elwood went into his backpack and pulled out his Tome of Town Portal. He used the first scroll in the book, and a blue portal appeared before the warriors. They each stepped in, and reappeared in the camp of the Sisters of the Sightless Eye.  
After a talk with Cain and the residents in the camp, Elwood put Wirt's leg into his stash, not exactly sure why.  
****  
"ALL HAIL OUR SAVIOR!!!!! ALL HAIL ELWOOD!!!!"  
The Sisters of the Sightless Eye rejoiced at the vision of their hero's return. He had slain the evils that had inhabited their world, destroyed the bloodstones, and saved the world. He had returned to the camp to say hello to some old friends and to spend the night with Charsi the blacksmith, wink wink nudge nudge.   
Eventually, night fell and the inhabitants of the camp went to sleep. Everyone except for Elwood and Charsi, of course . . .  
"So, baby, what's going on?"  
"Nothin'. Just fixin' some weapons, killin' some monsters."  
"True, true."  
"So."  
"So."  
"……"  
"……."  
"……."  
"You know, I died once."  
"Yeah?"  
"Yep. Kinda weird though. I just reappeared back at the nearest town. I actually saw my own corpse when I went back to the place where I died."  
"Oh. So, uh, what was Diablo like?"  
"Oh, you know. Big, red, horny."  
"Well, then. It seems that you both have one thing in common."  
"Hehehehe. Why, yes. I am hor--"  
"You're both really big."  
"Oh. Big. Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking of."  
"What about Baal?"  
"He's a pussy."  
"Oh."  
"……."  
"……"  
"So, wanna do it?"  
"All right. But only if you cover up that ugly mug."  
"Done."  
Elwood immediately whipped out a paper bag and cut one hole for breathing. He then placed it over his head. (Idea stolen from "Scary Movie 2" starring Marlon Wayans, 2001.)  
"Let's go, baby."  
  
Ash sat behind a tent, listening in on their conversation (or lack thereof). He saw the hero pick up Charsi and throw her into a tent. He then disrobed and threw all of his clothes into his stash, jumping into the tent right after.  
Ash was a traveling thief, his parents killed by the evil when he was young. He had survived by trading stolen goods for food and clothing. Of course, the belongings of the man who saved the world would fetch quite a price.   
Ash ran over to Elwood's stash and picked the locks with the picks he had made from extra metal that Charsi didn't need.  
He opened the chest and took out all of Elwood's clothes and belongings, stuffing them into his cart. All in all, he had a bunch of weapons, armor, diamonds, and some assorted knickknacks. Basically, this stuff would keep him alive for a year. Now all he had to do was go East, to the next town.   
****  
Ash wiped the sweat from his head and took a swig from his canteen. He stopped for a moment, letting the heavy cart roll to a stop. Ash pulled the map from his robe. According to it, he was halfway to the money. After a short rest, Ash began pushing the cart again. After several minutes, the cart hit a rock and jumped, sending four items to the ground. The first was a breastplate, which Ash put on top of the cart. The second was a strange ornately designed cube, which had a removable top. He put the last two items in it, a Tome of Town Portal and . . . a pig leg? He put the top back on and placed the item upside-down on the top of the cart, so that the top wouldn't come off and he wouldn't have to do everything again. When he fully turned it over, however, he noticed something strange.   
A button was at the bottom of the box with a strange symbol on it. As any curious thirteen-year-old would do, he pushed it.  
A red portal opened in front of him. As any curious thirteen-year old would do, he entered it.   
What he saw defied all logic.  
  
COMING SOON:   
CHAPTER TWO: THE LAND OF THE COWS!  



	2. THE LAND OF THE COWS

CHAPTER TWO: THE LAND OF COWS  
Ash stepped into the portal and came out in what seemed like a regular field. It actually very much resembled the Blood Moor, the field that was just outside the Sister's camp.  
Except something was wrong. There were cows here. Now, normally, this wouldn't have been such a big deal, but these cows were . . . different.   
The cows that Ash were used to gave milk, mooed occasionally, and stood on four legs.  
These cows stood on two legs, mooed over and over, and stood on two legs.   
They also had axes, and a large group of them were fifty paces away from Ash.  
Naturally, he screamed his ass off.  
"WHAT THE HELL?!!!!!!"  
The group suddenly turned to Ash, their nose rings glinting in the sun.   
"Moo."  
"mOo."  
"MOO!"  
The cows charged. Well, charged isn't exactly the right word. They kind of walked towards Ash, axes ready. One in the back yelled into the trees:  
"Moo, moo, moo, moo MOO moo moo."  
Whatever was in the trees responded.   
"Moo MOO moo MOOOOOO!!!!!"  
The field became engulfed with walking cows as they emerged from the trees all around Ash.   
His ears hurt from the constant mooing that penetrated his head, coming from all around.   
Ash turned around and saw a spot where the amount of cows coming out was much less than the other spots; maybe only five or six each thirty seconds.   
He quickly ran there, taking an exploding potion from his backpack as he went.  
When he was within throwing distance, Ash let the potion fly. It careened through the air and crashed at the feet of the line of cows that was emerging from that spot. On impact, it killed enough cows to allow safe passage for him.   
He ran into the woods, followed by the bovine army. After what seemed like hours, he came across a clearing. He thought he was home free until he saw it.   
The mother of all cows lay at the north end of the clearing. It was the length of three oak trees put lengthwise side by side, and it was as wide as one and a half. It was so big it was immobile, its only purpose that of giving birth to more cows. As Ash stood watching, the mother gave birth to five more. They were spewing from her ass like crap from my dad's ass on baked bean day.  
Ash looked back, and saw the cows slowly approaching through the forest. He didn't have enough potions to destroy an entire army, and he knew it.   
Taking a play from Elwood's book, Ash took a tome of town portal out of his pack. He quickly read the first scroll, the army getting closer and closer. A blue portal opened in front of him, and he stepped forward to enter it when an axe whistled over his head. He turned around and saw the entire army of cows three feet away from him. The cow that had taken a swipe at him did so again, and Ash had to jump back to avoid the blow, inadvertently dropping the book of scrolls. As the cow drew his arms back to swing again, Ash jumped into the portal.   
The cows stopped and stared at each other. The one that had missed Ash not once, but twice picked up the tome, curious of how it could do what they had just seen it do. Unfortunately, his bovine mind could not comprehend the language of the humans, so he took it to someone who could: the mother.   
The mother cow looked at the first scroll and tried to decipher it. After several minutes of udder-scratching, the monstrous mother figured out the first word: kantos. One down, 331 to go.   
****   
Ash reappeared back at the camp, happy to be alive. He ran to Charsi's tent, hoping to tell the hero of what he had seen.   
"Oh, Elwood. Oh, Elwood! No, don't take the mask off. Don't ruin it. Oh, God!"  
Ash ran in on the two, catching them in a most compromising position. The two quickly unattached and shielded themselves with the sheets.  
"Who are you," Elwood asked, "and what are you doing here?"  
"The cows! The cows are coming!"  
"Huh?"  
"They're coming! They're coming! Mr. Hero, sir, I stole your belongings and there was this cube, and when I put the tome and the leg in it and pressed the button, this por—"  
"Wait a minute! You're the one who stole my stuff?"  
"Yeah, but—"  
"You dirty little punk! I oughta kill you right now!"  
"Yes, but if you do, you'll never find out where your stuff is. Now, after I pressed the button, this portal appeared. I went inside and there were all these cows and stuff. They were walking on two legs, and they had axes and stuff. There was this big queen that was making more of them and stuff. I escaped using a tome of town portal and stuff, but I dropped it on the way out and stuff. That means that any minute, an army of bovines is gonna appear right over there and stuff."  
Ash pointed to where he had come out of the portal.  
On cue, a blue portal appeared.  
Elwood got dressed in borrowed clothing.   
"What's going on?"  
A cow stepped out of the portal.  
"Moo."  
"Oh, shit and stuff."  
  
COMING SOON:   
CHAPTER THREE: THE BATTLE AT THE CAMP 


	3. THE INVASION

Elwood raised his hand to the cow. A spear of bone  
shot out of it, skewering the bovine. Elwood smiled  
arrogantly, not noticing the wave of cows entering the  
camp through the portal. "MOO!Moo!moo!MoO!"  
Ash and Charsi ran. Elwood shot more and more bone  
spears at the invaders. The cows fell and fell again,  
a large pile of corpses buidling at the foot of the  
portal. Elwood's face lit up in the night as the  
projectiles of magic shot from his hand, over and  
over. His face was filled with the joy of battle.  
Elwood raised his hand to another cow and…. Nothing  
happened. He was out of mana. Elwood instinctively  
went to his belt, only to realize it wasn't there. He  
quickly ran into Charsi's tent and grabbed it from the  
floor. When he came back out, things were moderately  
different.  
The camp was filled with cows, portals everywhere  
within its perimeter. The Sisters of the Sightless Eye  
that remained fought off the cows with all of their  
strength. Cows fell left and right, but so did the  
humans.  
Elwood saw he was completely surrounded by cows. He  
quickly downed a mana potion. Knowing he couldn't  
escape, he quickly summoned a blood golem and cast  
iron maiden over the entire army of cows. It was a  
difficult task, considering how many cows there were.  
The blood golem attacked, doing fatal damage to the  
cows. Every cow that hit him immediately dropped to  
the ground, dead. Taking advantage of the moment,  
Elwood raised his hand to the corpse of a nearby cow.  
Immediately, the corpse exploded, killing several cows  
around it. Elwood then detonated one of the new made  
corpses, killing several more. He did this several  
times. On the tenth or so try, however, nothing  
happened. Elwood looked in his belt for another mana  
potion, only to find out that he had recently used his  
last. Horrified, he saw his blood golem fall next to  
him, and the iron maiden disappear over the heads of  
the approaching cows. As they approached, he punched  
and kicked randomly. The nearest cow swung at him, but  
he ducked the blow. The next two blows missed as well,  
but when the army of cows descended upon him, he knew  
it was all over.  
  
The screams of The Hero Elwood echoed through the  
night. Ash and Charsi looked back at the burning camp,  
a good mile behind them.  
"God…." Charsi looked back at what was once her home.  
Ash looked back emotionless. The way he saw it, it was  
just one less payday.  
"Come on," he said, "If we start now, we can get to  
the next town within a day or so."  
Charsi followed.  
  
The cows looked up at the burning camp, the corpses of  
the humans. An entire army of cows stood in the  
remains of the camp, surveying the damage. It was an  
unbearably huge amount of cows, and that wasn't even  
half of their numbers. After a period of sufficient  
mooing, the cows moved on.  
  



	4. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT

CHAPTER 4: TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT  
  
Ash and Charsi walked. And they walked. And they walked. Andtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalkedandtheywalked.  
Eventually they got to where they were going.  



End file.
